Unconventional Connections
It’s no surprise that I love everything about expressive writing, especially when it’s integrated into coaching, but one of my favorite exercises to do with clients falls into the “connection writing” category. If everything I just wrote confused you, let me give you a little primer.
Expressive Writing at its most basic form is the act of writing down thoughts and feelings to sort through problems and come to a deeper understanding of oneself or the issues in one’s life.
Connection Writing is utilizing multi-media material from others to make connections in your own life and inspire your own introspection. In this way, Bibliotherapy is very similar.
I talk a lot more about expressive writing and specific exercises like connection writing in my upcoming Write to Heal Course, but I wanted to give y’all an intimate look at one of the exercises that we do in the course through a real-life case study.
BACKGROUND:
This case study features a connection writing exercise done by a couple. The goal of the exercise was to speak to each other about their feelings through a common denominator (a song). What this allows the couple to do is work from the same “page.” They are both listening to the same song, by the same artist, both with the lyrics in front of them. The specific task was to describe what the song and lyrics meant to them. How does it relate to their own thoughts, feelings, life? Do they identify or not identify with the song and lyrics?
What’s the purpose? For the couple to come back together, share their answers to the exercise with each other and begin a conversation that stems from a facilitated and safe place.
The beautiful thing about this exercise is that there are unlimited choices to pull from. Thousands of songs, movies, books, etc. For this couple and their history, (both have backgrounds of depression and anxiety) I chose an unconventional song with very strong lyrics that I felt could potentially facilitate some deep conversation. As a coach, choosing a song tailored to the client(s) is important as it helps guide the client in talking about the issues that they’re facing. Sure, a client could get something out of any song, but let’s be honest, if I were to ask my client to respond to say, *“Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus, I’m not sure we would be getting to the heart of why they came to me in the first place.
*Not saying someone couldn’t get something from that song, just that it’s not the appropriate song for these particular clients.
CASE STUDY:
Permission to use this case study has been granted by client(s).
After relaying the instructions for the exercise (to listen to the song, read the lyrics and write out a response to it), the couple individually listened to the song and responded.
This is the song I chose for the couple, you can follow along with the lyrics on this video if you wish.
CLIENT RESPONSES
Client A (female)
I really resonate with the singer when he talks about someone being the cause of his anger and that he uses his words to work through that but it doesn’t always help. It’s like he has memories of this person and the way it hurt him and he knows it’s affected him but he tries to ignore it.
I can understand why. I have an abuser like that and have tried to “lock the door” for that room in my mind but it’s always open a crack, letting some of the memories bleed out and cause pain and confusion.
I think the line, “See, my problem is I don’t fix things, I just try to repaint
Cover em up, like it never happened” is something I’ve tried to do my entire life. It’s easier to repaint things than to take it down to the studs and try to rebuild. I know that logically, that’s probably not the best way but at least it’s not as painful…
The last verse is the one that choked me up because I worked so hard all these years to build the walls, keep people out, but it’s lonely. I thought I was trying to protect myself but really I think all I’ve done is isolate myself inside the walls. In the song, the singer struggles with unlocking the doors and letting someone else in but he’s scared that he’ll never get past the rooms that define him. Again, I connect with him on that because it feels like when I should be letting others in to help, I turn around and lock the doors on them. I don’t want them to see the messy walls of my mind and leave me to deal with cleaning up the mess on my own.
Client B (male)
Before I saw a therapist to get on medication, I related to this song. I was trapped with all the thoughts going on in my head. I have dealt with suicidal thoughts and wondered what is reality with all these questions. Why am I here and what's the point of living. When you reach that state of depression, you are inside your mansion (mind) thinking about all the negative aspects of your life. I realized that I had been experiencing depression on and off for a while, but kept ignoring it, telling myself that it will pass.
My divorce was a room I didn’t want to be in and I wanted to burn to the ground. I usually keep the doors to all my rooms shut and lock my thoughts inside.
There are days where I feel like a zombie, just going through the motions. Like NF, my problem has always been that I don’t fix things, I just try to repaint. I cover up things and act like I am fine or they never happen.
We all have regrets. I lie to myself and shrug things off acting like they don’t affect me. Prior to medication and even still some still today, there are rooms in my mind that I haven’t visited for years. There are still rooms I don’t let anyone inside.
Fear is something we all encounter. I experience fear of failure, fear of always being in pain, fear that certain things in life are never enough, fear of dying young (What's strange is I am not afraid of death, but I always worry that I won't live as long as everyone else just due to all the health-related issues I deal with).
CONCLUSION
As you can see from the clients' responses, they both took away different meanings and connections, but within their respective responses, there are also similarities. I started there with them, asking them if they noticed the similarities and the feelings that they both seem to have. It was beautiful to see the two of them make the connection that they both have felt similar at certain points. But the differences that they took away from the exercise is where the true beauty happened. Client A hadn’t realized how her husband had internalized so much of his depression, while Client B realized that his wife was still dealing with the aftereffects of her traumatic childhood. Where there’s understanding, there’s compassion. That’s what human connection is really about and when two people can find connection and compassion for each other, the real work begins for them.
I hope this case study helped you see the power of expressive writing and connection writing, especially as it relates to working with a coach well-versed in using exercises like this to facilitate discussion. If you’re interested in learning more about expressive writing in coaching, you can read more about that here.
If you are interested in learning more about how to start your own expressive writing practice to facilitate self-awareness and growth, make sure you sign up for my interest list as my Write to Heal course is launching soon!
