The Trinity Wounds: The Sister Wound
As if one wound isn’t enough… I’m back with the second wound of The Trinity Wounds (not sure what that is? Read the introductory article, The Trinity Wounds: An Introduction).
The Sister Wound is a bit broader than the Mother Wound as we’re using the word “sister” liberally, here. You’ll see why once we get into the meat of what this wound is and how it manifests in our lives, individually and collectively.
So what is the Sister Wound?
Unlike the Mother Wound, there’s not a lot of research, studies, or books on this wound. While the name and the concept seem “new,” it’s actually a wound that started with… you guessed it… the rise of the patriarchy. It also has deep ties to the Mother Wound and the Witch Wound (which we’ll talk about next month).
In a nutshell¹, the Sister Wound is the manifestation of women living in a patriarchal society who have had to use unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive and have not processed that grief and pain and then continue to pass on the Sister Wound to the next generation.
See, before patriarchy, before colonialism, before the rise of media — women depended on other women. The “it takes a village” mentality wasn’t just an option for women — it was a way of life. It was not unheard of for women to take turns caring for, teaching, and raising up youth as a community, rather than an individual mother. It was natural, beautiful and there were assured mutual benefits from working together.
Then patriarchy and the burning times happened. And a woman had two choices — submit to the ways of the “new” world and betray her sisters OR become an “outcast” or “martyr” in the fight against the “new” world. This divide between women was precisely the point for patriarchy. The more divided women became, the less power they had together.
This is how the Sister Wound began and the submission to it is how it stays in place.
Here are some of the ways the Sister Wound shows up:
Judgment against other women (sadly this shows up everywhere, from shaming others for the way they dress, speak, think or represent themselves. It also dovetails with the “mommy-shaming” we talked about in the Mother Wound
Intentionally excluding and removing a woman from feeling welcome
Insecurity around and in the company of other women — especially those you’re not familiar with
Jealousy/Envy toward other women
Lack of trust in general with other women
The sad reality? The Sister Wound shows up as early as grade school, now. Imagine your little girl coming home from school, absolutely defeated because a few other girls at recess said she was “weird” and now none of the other kids will even talk to her. It gets worse. Much, much worse. I don’t have to tell you how mean girls can be to each other. We’ve all experienced it. Therefore, we all have a stake in what it feels like to be a victim of the Sister Wound. And at times, we’ve all had a part in perpetuating the Sister Wound.
Add in ties to the Mother Wound, the Witch Wound and developmental trauma and you’ve got a recipe for a dysfunctional outlook on other women.
What do we do about it?
Just like with the Mother Wound, the first step in looking at and healing the Sister Wound comes from within. It comes from looking at how these wounds have played out in our lives and realizing when leaning into the pain of the wound doesn’t help us grow or achieve anything.
When I started working on my own experiences with the Sister Wound, I saw how often I either consciously or unconsciously played into the wound. How much time and energy did I lose fighting a battle that couldn’t be won because neither of us was aware of the forces behind it? I decided not to engage in others who want to perpetuate the Sister Wound. Once you know and see it — you can’t not see or know it.
Here are a few of the ways we can start to heal the Sister Wound, individually and collectively:
How we heal the Sister Wound is very similar to how we heal any wound — by questioning our conditioning and beliefs around it first and foremost.
Stop giving into the pressure and ease of perpetuating the Sister Wound. What does this mean? You know when you see it or feel it — that group of women that are gossiping and judging another woman. Usually, it’s accompanied by shaming or mocking. The hardest (but most important) thing you can do is bow out of participating. Ideally, we’d all feel brave enough to not only bow out but stand up for the woman who doesn’t deserve that judgment, setting clear boundaries around what you’ll accept and what you won’t.
Speak up/educate those around you, especially younger girls. That fictional little girl I talked about earlier? Imagine sitting her down and telling her the truth about why the actions of the other girls is unacceptable and coming from a place of wounding. Perhaps that little girl will grow up with more compassion and understanding as well as the courage to speak up for herself and others.
Learn to get honest with yourself and others. Another painful part of healing the Sister Wound is admitting when you’re the victim of it, but also a perpetrator. We can only heal collectively when we are brave enough to bring our entire selves to the table and vulnerable enough to talk about these things.
Get in circle with other women who are doing this work. It’s only by being in relationship with other women that we can start to see, challenge, and question the Sister Wound. In a safe and accepting environment, working through the Sister Wound means you not only start to heal the wound within yourself, but you’re also modeling for other women the importance of healing it (and showing them that they can do it, too).
Conclusion
Just like the Mother Wound, the Sister Wound isn’t something we can “fix” or “make better” just by knowing it’s there. It takes internal and external work to make progress with these wounds. If you’re serious about wanting to make a change in your life around these wounds, my suggestion is to start with research. To read everything you can get your hands on as it applies to these wounds. Why? Because the more you know, the more informed you become. The more informed you become, the smarter decisions you make for yourself and in life.
¹Larger Nutshell: Go listen to Sabrina Lynn’s take on The Sister Wound on the Rewilding for Women Podcast
