My Little Failures
I have to start this piece with some honesty. I started writing this article to process some perceived “failures” after supporting my good friend and colleague, Alisha Wielfaert’s book campaign on the same topic. Her work around failure’s lessons has already taught me so much, so I thought, what better way to showcase the principles in her book than to do the process in real-time for all of you. But after writing it all down, I came back to edit this beginning because I realized that every day, we face a multitude of tiny little failures. As I looked back upon my day, I saw all the tiny failures that stacked up one upon the other. The beautiful thing, though? Failure doesn’t have to equate to sadness or sorrow. It can be what it is. It can also be a good thing. It can also be disguised as a very bad thing wrapped up in a tiny package to be unwrapped and dissected. Additionally, I realized that looking back, I could also see all the tiny little successes that had also built one upon the other.
Basically, at the end of the day, we stand on a hill of tiny little failures and make the decision to get up the next day and try again. Over and over again. Yes, the failures I’ll bring up here are on top of my mind, but don’t for one second think that’s all there is. There’s more. There’s always more. I hope you take that to heart as you read this article or any other one. You are made up of all your tiny failures as well as your tiny successes.
Another timely reason for this article (and what I will suggest you do) is to look over your failures and successes of the year before diving into a new one. I have always done this with my year-end reviews — but this year I will be paying particular attention to my perceived failures and breaking them down with Alisha’s process so I can get the best out of every moment in thinking about it.
Failure to Launch
The first failure I want to detail is a workshop I wanted to launch earlier this year. To give myself full credit — I did a lot of things right in preparing for this launch! I was even going through a business workshop at the time that allowed me to share the workshop as part of the project. I got great feedback from everyone and the workshop actually shaped into a very meaty and valuable piece of IP for me. I was SO excited to launch it because I had even done a bit of market research, had people who said they were interested, and a larger audience than I’d had in the past. I set up the emails, did a pre-campaign of sorts. Launched and…
Not a single person signed up for it.
To say I was disappointed is an understatement. After a few days of licking my wounds, I began the process of grieving and accepting that it didn’t happen the way I wanted it to. (Step One in Alisha’s process — Acceptance).
It’s hard to admit defeat, but after I reckoned with that lingering emotion, I was able to bring it back to a supportive group and say: look, this didn’t work. What happened? (Step Two in Alisha’s process — talk with your support system or community).
The support and advice I got were invaluable but something more important arose from the conversation — that perhaps it hadn’t been a failure on my part. Maybe it had been something out of my control — like timing. This little piece of the puzzle did make me feel better but I did what I have done with every project since its inception — I did a post-mortem analysis. (Step Three in Alisha’s process — do a debrief on the failure).
In doing this post-mortem, I recognized that there were things I missed and could have done differently or better. That doesn’t negate that I did a lot of things right! It also doesn’t negate that timing could have also played into it. But having all the facts and figures laid out in front of me in black and white was incredibly insightful to see where things may have gone wrong. And how I could fix it for the future.
After the post-mortem, I realized that while I had failed to launch the workshop, I actually didn’t have a failed project at all. I still had a great, robust workshop plan after all. So instead of launching it, I began planning how to turn it into an evergreen course that someone may find useful after all. (Step Four in Alisha’s process — take recovering actions).
An Exercise in Failure
This example is still a bit of an open wound, but you know what? It’s important to talk about the failures that sting as much as the ones that don’t leave you as bruised. Over two years ago, I participated in a ten-week fitness program to become a healthier version of me. I not only made it through the ten weeks, but I also made a lot of personal progress along the way, too.
Fast forward to this year and well, the COVID 19lb+ hit me like a ton of bricks. I was right back where I started before I completed that program. Overweight, unhealthy, and loathing my body. I thought maybe rejoining the fitness challenge I’d done before would help me out of the rut. I signed up and got to work. Only… things had changed since the last time I’d joined. I was in a different place mentally, emotionally and career-wise. I was also in the middle of a downward trending depression spiral (which I’ve talked about before). I was a hot mess if I’m being really honest. After hours of crying and trying to understand why I just couldn’t do it all, I caved.
That hot mess version of me couldn’t stand the heat. So I got out of the metaphorical kitchen.
I failed to complete the challenge. I failed to live up to the expectations I set. I just plain failed.
It took me a while to get to acceptance (Step One in Alisha’s process — Acceptance). But eventually, I faced the reality that this was a fight I wasn’t going to be able to win. Not this time.
I feel blessed that I have an incredibly strong support system around me — but I also want to mention that I’ve worked extremely hard to cultivate and build it. I’ve joined (and quit!) communities that are intentionally built to support women wherever they’re at in their lives (shout out to the RAW and CEC communities!). So bringing this topic to them was hard, yes, but it was also a relief because wouldn’t you know? So many have dealt with the same kind of failure. (Step Two in Alisha’s process — talk with your support system or community). I wasn’t berated or made to feel stupid or ashamed because I failed. I was lifted up and supported.
It was through these conversations that I was able to get enough distance to ask myself the important questions — what went wrong? How was I able to succeed in the past but not now? (Step Three in Alisha’s process — do a debrief on the failure). Turns out, when I answered the questions, I had a lot of reasons why I failed. Some were justified, most were not. That was the piece I had to reconcile before moving on to deciding what to do next.
In doing the hard work of facing the questions of what went wrong, I was able to see that I needed to devise a new plan going forward that better matched my goals, needs, and current life circumstances. I needed to ensure success instead of setting myself up for failure which is what I had done by jumping into the program without doing any of the necessary question-asking. (Step Four in Alisha’s process — take recovering actions).
Failing Forward
Sometimes, we don’t even know we’ve failed at something until it hits us in the face. One of my most recent experiences was just this. I was going along, week to week, thinking everything was fine on a project, until it wasn’t. It ended abruptly and without much conversation. I was confused but placated by the fact that it didn’t seem like it ended because of me. And in all reality — it didn’t end because of me — but in the aftermath, I found out some details about the project that made it feel like I did fail.
I had to sit with this because it’s not as straightforward as the other examples. I didn’t fail in a traditional sense… I had failed to live up to my own standards. When looking at the facts of the situation and the project — I had to recognize that while my failure didn’t end the project — I had failed all the same. (Step One in Alisha’s process — Acceptance)
The sting of this particular failure hit hard and I brought it up to my community of women who, again, not only validated the sting but gave me their honest thoughts and feelings on it. (Step Two in Alisha’s process — talk with your support system or community). What I noticed, almost immediately, after bringing it up was the bounce-back that happens when you’ve become more resilient at things. Here I was, sitting with the sting, yet I was also able to get out of bed and talk about it much sooner than the previous failures.
Within the same day of talking to my group, I sent a message to one of the participants of the project and asked for more detail. What could I have done better? What did I do wrong and how can I not repeat those mistakes? (Step Three in Alisha’s process — do a debrief on the failure).
I made a post-mortem for myself but knowing that there was someone out there who had details about these things felt like a better indication of how I could move forward.
The response from the participant was lovely and gave me a lot of information on what I could do better in my future projects. She wasn’t at all unhappy, but there is always room for improvement and she appreciated that I asked for feedback on how to do so. This made for a fulfilling ending to this failure as I was able to take the entire situation into account and see how I can make a difference in the future. It no longer feels like a stinging failure, rather an important lesson in becoming a better version of myself. I will add that I also took a nap and ate a pint of ice cream to numb the wounds. Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do to recover, and I’m not above ice cream and naps, ya’ll. (Step Four in Alisha’s process — take recovering actions).
Conclusion:
As I’ve mentioned before, sometimes, I need to write these pieces as much for me as I do to share the experiences with others. What I see in this piece is a lot of hurt and wounding but also a lot of recovery and resilience. I don’t think I would have been able to see this if I hadn’t been learning the lessons through Alisha’s talks on failure and how they move us forward. The thing is — we all face failure. Every day. Hundreds of them. It’s what we do with those failures (even perceived ones) that makes the difference. There’s no way around failure, but there is a way around letting it crush and defeat us. I hope you can see the threads of hope running through each of my examples and I want for you what I’ve discovered — a little bit of peace in the face of failure. If you want to learn more about failure and hear from many women Alisha interviewed in the process, I encourage you to check out her campaign for her book, Little Failures. Maybe you’ll learn as much from it as I have.
