Unlearning as Simplifying

Does this sound familiar? You wake up to an alarm, barely get yourself out the door and then spend the rest of the day juggling work obligations, maintaining social relationships and pursuing personal goals? Our lives have become cluttered with distractions and unnecessary complexities. This year has been one of intense learning… but more importantly, a year of unlearning.

And I’m not the only one.

I’ve been following many people who write on Substack and other platforms who are coming to the same conclusion that I have come to: if we want to regain a sense of balance and clarity, we have to simplify our lives.

Let’s be real, though. Simplifying our lives is not as straightforward as it may seem. To truly simplify, we have to unlearn some of the conditioning we have been trained to accept as rules or standards. We must let go of certain beliefs and habits that have become ingrained in our minds over time.

Busyness

One of the first things we need to unlearn is the theory that busyness equals productivity. Society often rewards those who are constantly on the go and multitasking, but this hectic lifestyle often leads to burnout and a lack of fulfillment. By unlearning that being busy is the only way to achieve success, we can start prioritizing what truly matters to us and delegate our time in ways that matter most to us.

This has been a huge area of struggle for me. I was brought up with the sentiment that if you worked really hard, were super productive, and produced tangible results — then you were “winning” at the game of life. But that completely removes the emotional, mental, and physical aspects of who we are out of the equation. No single person can continue at that pace without sacrificing parts of themselves.

I know I’m not the only one saying that striving to achieve that “ideal” standard of work and life does not end well. As easy as it is to sit and write this article about this, it’s much harder to put it into practice, and it’s not exactly a skill we’re encouraged to learn, but it’s a crucial element we need to unlearn.

Validation

Another conditioned response to life I have discovered I need to unlearn is the constant need for validation from others. In today's digital age, it's easy to fall into the trap of seeking approval through social media likes and comments. But that is just a disaster waiting to happen. When we depend on external validation, it can lead to a constant need for comparison and feeling inadequate. By unlearning the need for validation, we shift our focus on cultivating self-acceptance and self-worth through our own criteria rather than the very unpredictable and often erroneous standards other people set for us.

I fight against this a lot in the writing world because the very nature of publishing involves external validation. And it’s one of the aspects of the world that I’m trying to offer a different perspective for. Society and the gatekeepers want you to believe that there is some inherent level of “goodness” or “perfection” one must have to share their story. But that only strengthens their positions at the top of the hierarchy.

Rather than reinforce those misbeliefs, I work with my students and clients on developing the self-validation they can get from simply taking the story that lives in their head and getting it down on the page. For some writers, that is enough. That’s all they need. And for other writers, going to the next level requires a much finer balance between listening to their self-validation and the words of external validation.

The Harder/Better Fallacy

What comes to mind when you hear the phrase “The American Dream?” Do you think of the land of opportunities? The ability to follow your dreams? The concept of “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and making it?”

I used to believe in the lie that the “American Dream” sold to us. If you work hard enough, long enough, all your dreams will come true. That the “harder” something is, the “better” off you’ll be by working through it.

That’s all bullshit. Some people work hard their entire lives to end up with nothing. Some people nearly kill themselves to reach an achievement they think will come from struggling or suffering. But again, that’s a lie.

We have to unlearn the belief that complexity, hardness, and suffering equals intelligence and reward. We have been conditioned to believe that the more complex something is, the more valuable or intelligent it must be. We’ve been conditioned to believe that to achieve any level of success, you must suffer for it.

But that’s all inherently untrue. Because we see the opposite happening every day. We see college dropouts innovating and becoming CEO’s of massively successful businesses. We see first-time writers get a six-figure advance. We see trust fund kids grow up to be just fine without any need for suffering.

So what do we do with this paradoxical nature of what it means to achieve and succeed in our lives?

We unlearn what we think are the expectations, and we find guidance in our own beliefs and ethics. What if we simply stopped adhering to the “suffering equals success” myth? What if something could actually be easy for you? And what if that “thing” could make you successful without having to suffer for it? Does it make it any less important? Any less impactful?

I know it’s hard to wrap your head around this because of the conditioning we have been force-fed. But the moment we start to unhook from these complicated and complex expectations and simplify our approaches… things start looking clearer.

How Do We Do It

Unlearning to simplify is not an overnight process. It requires conscious effort and a willingness to challenge our ingrained beliefs and open ourselves up to new perspectives. It means questioning societal norms and expectations and reevaluating what truly brings us happiness and fulfillment.

It all starts with self-awareness. Where have we just “accepted” what society and the world have told us we should? Where are we feeling the friction between what we really want versus what other people have told us we should want? What beliefs and behaviors have we adopted simply because we were expected to but have never quite questioned?

These are some big things, ya’ll. These questions are ones I’ve struggled to answer over the past decade, so unlearning doesn’t happen quickly or in one fell swoop. It takes constant work within ourselves to make strides in living a life based on our own values and beliefs.

But taking small steps towards unlearning can profoundly impact our overall well-being because when you know what fulfills you and aligns with your values and beliefs, you start to see that ripple out into other areas of your life.

A very vulnerable (but appropriate) example of this for me is housework. I can’t tell you how many times I have berated, degraded, and shamed myself for my inability to keep up with ALL the work I do, all the relationships, all the moving parts, plus keeping a house well maintained. Society tells us that we should be able to do it all. That keeping a house immaculately clean is of utmost importance. And I believed it! It used to be the main driving factor in arguments with my husband. And then I had a radical thought one day…

What if I didn’t care what my conditioning told me about this aspect? What if keeping a house “well maintained” was simply not something I wanted to give two shits about?

And with a snap of a finger, the fog cleared, and I saw the truth: I get to choose. I get to say whether or not that is an important and fulfilling part of my life. And guess what? It’s not.

Is my house a pig sty? No, I can’t live like that. But am I busting my ass every week to make sure the dust is gone, the windows are spotless, and the laundry is done? Also, no.

Because I have far better (and simpler) things to do with my life.

I have found that simplifying my life is more about being intentional and thoughtful about every aspect rather than a straight dismissal or approval of the way I’m doing life. When we can simplify our needs and wants, it becomes clear how much extra bullshit we have to deal with in life.

But I want to hear from YOU! How have you been simplifying your life? Have you taken small steps? Big leaps? What does “simplifying” mean to you?