Making Creative Space for Grief
My word of the year is “alchemical” and I absolutely love it. I’m already transforming the way I feel 2022 will go by the work I’m doing to prepare. I feel a shift happening, like something new is being birthed.
As I was thinking about the plans, goals, changes, and progress I wanted to make, I realized that in order to move past some of my biggest blocks of resistance and self-growth, I would have to learn how to grieve and practice radical self-acceptance in order to move forward.
I decided to start a new ritual in 2022 to honor this intention. And you know what? It feels alchemical because my goal is to take that grief and use it for what it is: a wise teacher. Grief has so much to teach us. The lessons are almost never-ending. That’s why it’s so painful, in my opinion. But that’s all the more reason to surrender to its grasp and invite it in. Make space for it at the metaphorical table. Allow it to come to visit and be okay with it.
So I now have it in my schedule to do a weekly grief ritual to honor what needs to be grieved. That is 100% my time to devote to grief in whatever way that looks like in those moments.
Here’s an example — I just got back from seeing family for the holidays and it was fantastic… until I was struck with massive anxiety and melancholy. It was weird. I didn’t really understand why I was happy yet oddly sad. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was so I just continued on. But as I was thinking about it again recently, I made the connection that I was feeling sad because as much as I don’t want to be a mother, I still had a slight yearning for something they had. I think that’s normal for someone who has been socially conditioned to want and desire kids. I know in my heart that being a mother isn’t something I have wanted or do want to be at this time in my life. And yet — I can also be sad about never having a child of my own. Both things can exist (alchemy!).
So I did a grief ritual for that with a “grief paradox list” — in which you write down what you’re grieving (one side of a paradox) and then you write down what positive things you’re grateful for that have come from losing what you’re grieving (the other side of the paradox).
I know it seems counterintuitive, but that’s the point because if you go the page honestly, you’ll immediately start to feel the grief lift. It may be slow, but the longer and more often you take the time to make space for the grief and then find the gratitude, you begin to live in that “third way” — somewhere between the paradoxes, essentially.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that after I did that grief ritual, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. My anxiety was down and I felt a deeper sense of calm. And it’s not that this feeling went away forever, but because I devoted time to grieving and processing it, my resilience kicked in and I bounced back faster.
Ideas for Grief Rituals
Grief is talked about a lot in the circles I run in. As someone trained in trauma as well as a trauma survivor myself, grief is an emotion that I’m very familiar with. Over the years, I’ve learned that grief is such a magical teacher to us if we’re willing to listen to what it has to say. These are some of the best “suggestions” I’ve seen for working through grief creatively.
Write a letter to the person you’re grieving and ask questions. If you feel like you know what they’d say — write that down too. Reflect on the exercise.
Complete a “grief paradox list”
Write a short story about what it feels like to grieve for this particular thing in your life.
Dictate your thoughts on grief into a note recording app. Listen to it later (or transcribe it) and see what comes up for you.
Create a “grieving” altar with a symbol that represents what you’re grieving and things that soothe that ache.
Make a movie/audio/photo montage of whatever it is you’re grieving and see what comes up.
Watch or listen to something that reminds you of what you’re grieving and see what comes up.
However you decide to approach grieving, I encourage you to intentionally think about and sit with whatever comes up. The way we grow through grief is to radically accept those emotions and feelings. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard. It doesn’t mean it won’t rear its ugly head from time to time and knock you on your ass. But the other side of grief can be beautiful, too.
If you’re feeling like you need an in-depth guide to navigating these emotions, consider some of these resources:
