Even When It’s Hard

I mentioned in a previous issue of The Augurly that one of my quietly ambitious goals this year was to get back into dancing which would hopefully lead to getting back into my body. At the time of writing that article, I hadn’t yet gone through the dance instructor training that I was hoping would bring me this much-needed form of fitness.

But as I write this, I’ve now completed that training and can happily show you this:

And let me tell you, it was not an easy certification to get. There were so many times during the certification process that I wanted to throw up my hands and quit. It challenged me to do things that I was extremely uncomfortable doing. From recording my choreography and sharing it with my peers and trainers, to being “live” on camera and completing the choreography in the moment — I was uncomfortable.

As someone who has long struggled with body image, this felt like the deepest kind of cut — seeing myself on camera. Watching myself struggle with moves that my other peers could master quickly made me feel like a complete failure.

But what I didn’t expect throughout the process was the way we were encouraged to “fail forward.” That it wasn’t about perfection… it was about getting up and doing it again and again. Without saying the words explicitly, we were encouraged to be persistent at every stage of the certification process.

I had a single moment when we were wrapping up the training and given instructions on the requirements to become certified where I told my friends, “I can’t do this. There’s no way I can do this without being stressed out and overwhelmed. What do I do?”

And they gently but sternly told me, “You have to try. You didn’t come this far to only come this far. Just try and see what happens.”

This all was happening in the week before I was to leave for Dublin. Talk about heightened emotions! But my friends were right. And my sense of persistence kicked in.

I did the best I could and sent in all of my requirements and then… I waited.

Receiving the confirmation that I was being certified was one of the proudest moments I’ve had in the past few years. It’s not because I feel like I mastered the training. And it’s not because I felt like I was actually ready to go forth and teach. But I was proud that I persisted despite my doubt in myself. I persisted, even when I felt like I was a failure.

In a heroine’s journey story — one might expect that earning my certification and feeling validated means that I’m ready to teach — but this heroine’s journey isn’t quite over.

I do not feel the least bit ready to teach a class, yet. But my perspective has shifted from “I can’t do this” to “I can’t do this… yet.” But my resolve and determination to persist in learning how to be the best student in this dance fitness program are strong. I’ve committed to being a student and practicing over and over again until I DO feel ready to teach a class.

As I have many times in my life, I know that my persistence in this arena will only serve me well. It can only strengthen me — both literally and figuratively. As I build my physical stamina and health back, so too will I develop the confidence to help others do the same.

I have to remind myself of my intention to approach these things with a quietly ambitious lens which means that I owe myself a lot more compassion and understanding as I work toward my goal.

And throughout it all, I will have the quote on my wall to turn to when things get hard:

Nevertheless, she persisted.